It's Still Hard

Grammar is still so hard for my adoptees. Well, that's not true, it's only hard for Maya and Isaac. Daniel was just turning 2 at the time of adoption, so most of his speech was acquired in our home. Maya and Isaac unfortunately had heard only improper English for the first 9 and 6 years of their lives, respectively.

I was at an adoption support group recently and introduced myself to the mom sitting next to me. She had just adopted her daughter from Ethiopia 9 months earlier. When I told her I had also adopted from Africa, and told her about my kiddos, she gushed: Isn't it amazing how quickly they pick up English? My daughter has such excellent grammar and it hasn't even been a year yet.
I smiled.
I figured that was a more socially acceptable response than to start bawling hysterically.

(I'm being dramatic.)

(But only a little.)

Speaking a Different Language

Recently someone we're close to learned for the first time that our adoptees aren't academically at grade level. They're behind, whatever that means. (Who do I compare them to anyway? Do government schools provide my goals or is the Bible my plumb line?)

I was reminded of a party I attended last year, where I ran into someone I hadn't seen since way before our adoption. They were absolutely fascinated with our adoption story. I mean, seriously captivated by every detail. That is, until she asked if they were on grade level. I laughed and said: Oh no, she's probably about ____ grades behind.

Her face dropped and she actually looked embarrassed for me.

I suddenly realized there was no way I could explain it to her in a way she would understand.

Of course my adoptees are behind! Of course they're not on the level of children their age who were read to, sung to, hugged, held, and talked to!

Of course!

And I don't expect them to be!

My Maya could run a house at her young age of 14. She is gifted. She knits at the speed of lightning, decorates cakes, and has a passion for photography. She knows how to calm a wailing baby and what spices go with which foods. She has great strengths.

She loves the Lord and forgives easily and quickly. She is an amazing peacemaker and very willing to give up her wants to make someone else happy. She's not a martyr; she's loving and loving others makes her happy. She reads the Bible every day on her own because she wants to.

I wanted to tell this lady: Don't be embarrassed for me! I'm PROUD of these children! Don't you see what they've overcome? What little they were given? What struggles they have to compensate for? We didn't adopt them to give them an academic future! We adopted them to give them a FAMILY!

But she was too entrenched in her mainstream thinking to be able to see any of these things. It made me sad.

We just weren't speaking the same language.

It's Official!!

We have a new nephew and cousin!! Read the awesome story here.

Baby Brown Eyes

Beall Phillips Shares on Baby Brown Eyes and the Beauty of Adoption from Douglas Phillips on Vimeo.

Everything On My Mind

I've had a lot of emotions swirling through my head lately about adoption. Is it just me or do all women have way too much on their minds all the time? lol

Things that make me sad:

• People who weren't at all excited about our adoption, but who have been thrilled with our pregnancy announcements since then. That really hurts. What was it about our adoptees that wasn't worth celebrating as well?
• The silence and privacy that exist in adoptive communities. Adoptive families don't feel safe being honest about their unique issues.
• Children who are adopted and then put in public school all day every day. You just adopted them out of an institution; please oh please don't put them back in one.

Things that concern me:

• Maya and Isaac's grammar. When is it going to be easier for them? (I've learned that adoptees of foreign language-speaking countries learn English at a much quicker rate than children who grow up learning improper English. My kids aren't learning a new language; they're unlearning the wrong way of speaking it.)
• Isaac's anxiety. He forever fears getting in trouble or being wrong, although both are rare for him. His extreme perfectionism really brings me to my knees for him.
• Isaac's language skills. Vocabulary building has been a painfully slow process for him. There are still an awful lot of phrases he just doesn't understand yet.

Things I'm really proud of:

• Maya's domestic skills. That girl is just good at everything related to the home. She loves to bake, she can confidently cook all of our dinners, she knits, she sews by hand (working on machine sewing), she enjoys cleaning. Good grief, she's amazing!
• Isaac's desire to be a gentleman. He gets upset if I get the stroller out of the van instead of letting him do it. He always opens doors for us. He's a great hubby & daddy in the making.
• Daniel's love for me. His impulsiveness gets him in more trouble than any other Clark, but that boy bounces back quick with a smile and a hug. Impresses the heck out of me.
• The passion all of my kids have for adoption. They see the great need and the great value. I'm so thankful.

Adoption Victories

I love reading the stories of orphans redeemed. This video tells the story of several children whose lives were hanging in the balance, but who were rescued just in time! Their stories amaze me and testify to God's faithfulness.

Lindquist Family Slideshow from Caleb Lococo on Vimeo.

God sets the lonely in families. He is a father to the fatherless. (Psalm 68)

What You Need to Know if Your Friends/Family Are Adopting

As I said, I've been reading a lot of adoption blogs (I live for reading stories of orphans redeemed), and I've noticed a distinct pattern. The friends and family of the adopting family have no idea what to do. I hope this helps.

1. Treat the adoption of their new child just as you would the birth of a baby. Bring meals. Adjusting to life with a new child or children, especially if they are older, is quite overwhelming. Thinking about and cooking meals is an added stress that you can help relieve.
2. Ask the family what they need. Perhaps they now have four toddlers and the prospect of going to the store with all of them to get diapers is out of the question. Maybe they want visitors and maybe they don't. Ask.
3. Know that a child who has been malnourished, which is basically all international adoptees, cannot handle a typical American diet. Their digestive systems are underdeveloped and they cannot process a lot of food. Be understanding when the parents take away or withhold food. They know better than the child who has never experienced being full.

What Adoption Looks Like Day to Day: Daniel

Daniel has the funniest personality. His laugh is positively charming and contagious. Although he doesn't agree with Lydia's plan to marry him, he is very protective of her.

Because of his age (he wasn't quite 2 when we adopted him), Daniel's adoption was the hardest of the three. He was too young to understand what was changing or why or for how long. His life changed a lot when he was just a baby. Shortly after turning 1 year old, he left the care of his loving mother and was placed in an orphanage. Just before he turned 2 years old, he left the familiarity of the orphanage for a totally foreign land, foreign people, and foreign foods. Life was confusing and hard for him.
-Daniel reverts to a baby voice whenever he gets caught disobeying, or when he's asking for something from Kyle or I, or any time he's feeling emotionally needy.
We just recently realized that he only does this with Kyle and I. He never uses his baby voice with his siblings.
When he needed the safety and security of just being a baby, that right was taken away from him. Although he wasn't quite 2 years old, he knew how to peel a banana and an egg by himself. Survival skills. He got mad when I cut his food for him, so I did it away from his view. He didn't like letting me feed him, which broke my heart since I knew how important that was to our bonding. So I sat him in my lap in the rocking chair and read to him at night instead. I wanted to give him the chance to be a baby.
We had decided that I wouldn't nurse him because it had been so long since he'd been breastfed. Looking back and knowing what I do now, I really regret not trying. My sweet Daniel just needed to be babied.
I have learned more about the sacrificial love of God through Daniel than I ever had before. I am so grateful for him and all that he has taught me.

What Adoption Looks Like Day to Day: Isaac

Isaac is fiercely protective of his little brother, an encouraging friend to those who know him, and has a smile that is constantly gaining him compliments and affection.

He also has a lot of anxiety. In fact, this was the way his escort described him when she handed him off to us. I wonder if she knew how very insightful that little comment was.

-Everyday during school breaks, the kids do a math drill online. Isaac was consistently scoring 60%. But when I turned off the timer, his accuracy immediately shot up to a steady 80-90%. Timers do not motivate him. Instead, they act like a vice on his brain.
-When I was having Isaac read to me daily, he sat rigidly straight and was jittery the whole time.
-Any time someone asks him a question (thus putting him on the spot), his first response is always: "Wait" and then he thinks about what he wants to say. Just being put on the spot makes his brain freeze and he can't think of the words he wants to say. Many times, he just gives up and says: "Oh nevermind." As his vocabulary has grown, this has improved, but not significantly. It's not that he doesn't know the words he wants to say, he just can't recall them under pressure.

Isaac's anxieties likely come from fears he had about being adopted. Many orphanage workers tell children that if they don't behave, their adoptive family will send them back. The fear of rejection is very real. Sadly, no amount of reason can change this thinking. Only unconditional love, over long periods of time will ease it. Prayer is my most powerful weapon when it comes to the spiritual battles surrounding adoption.

What a gift it is to be given the responsibility of teaching Isaac that God's love for him is unconditional. We teach him this through God's Word and through our love.

Adoption 101

I've been reading a lot of adoption blogs recently and they've taken me back to those first days and months with our adoptees. There are certain "guidelines" specific to adoption, that don't come naturally. All of these foster attachment and bonding:

1. No one holds the child(ren) except mom & dad. It's vitally important that the adoptee knows who their new parents are. Grandma and Grandpa and friends will want to hold your child too, but that only confuses the child and slows the bonding process. For the sake of your child, pre-warn friends and family that they are welcome to hug your child while he/she is still in your arms.
2. No one meets the child's needs except mom & dad. Same reason as above. Bonding to the adoptive parents is made more confusing and more difficult when others meet your child's needs. They need to know YOU are their caregiver.
3. Whenever possible, the child should be fed by you, and not self-feed. Of course, this has a lot to do with the child's age. Daniel was 2 at the time of adoption. I held him in my lap and fed him whenever possible. This is huge when it comes to bonding and attachment.
4. Hold, hold, hold the child. Carriers and slings are greatly preferred to strollers. Regardless of your parenting style with your bio children, attachment parenting is the way to go with an adoptee.

The needs of adoptees are unique, but their bonding and healthy attachment to you are worth the changes you'll make for their sake.

(Taken from the following adoption books (all of which I highly recommend): The Connected Child, Attaching in Adoption, and Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft)

What Adoption Looks Like Day to Day: Maya

I read recently that adoption is built on pain and loss. That quote rocked me. It's so true, but how infrequently I think about that. It caused me to think about the traits my adoptees have, that come from their painful past.


My Maya is the most patient person I know. She is laid-back, patient, and it takes a whole lot to ruffle her feathers. A whole lot.

This is not just her personality. It's a result of what she's lived through. Growing up, if she was hungry she may or may not have gotten food. When she needed something, she may or may not have gotten it.

- Maya bottles her emotions until she absolutely bursts. She doesn't know how to talk about the things that are brewing in her until they are just too much for her. (Her emotional outbursts are not scary, however, they are actually quite comical because they are so out of character for her.)
For example: During a blow-out a couple weeks ago, she was yelling: I'm trying to calm down, but I just can't!! I said: Can you do anything good on your own?
She immediately answered: No, there's none who are good, no not one. There is none righteous, not even one. (She's quoting from Romans 3)
I said: So can you do good in your own power?
No.
Sweetheart, you need to pray that Jesus will help you to calm down. He is the only righteousness that's in us.
This calmed her down right away. It's amazing to see the power of the Word of God to transform hearts.

- Maya doesn't ask for the things she needs, and if she does, she doesn't repeat the requests. She just tries to get by. It doesn't occur to her that she could get help if she just asked. She just doesn't think that way yet.
For example: I noticed she had band-aids all over her ankles. When I asked her about them, I found out she had cut her legs to smithereens shaving with a cheap razor. The one I had bought for her never cut her legs, but she ran out of razor heads and didn't ask for more.
Another example: Because she left her clothes in the dryer overnight, she had to iron a skirt that had gotten really wrinkly. 20 minutes later, she came downstairs wearing the skirt, still very wrinkly. She couldn't figure out how to turn up the heat on the iron, so after ironing it on warm forever and ever, she gave up. When I asked why she didn't ask me how to operate the iron, she just said: I don't know. I didn't think of that!


Maya, our bonus child, is very easy to love. She is a gift from God to our family.

God of Miracles

Do you remember this sweetie?

His adoptive parents, on a long roller-coaster of an adoption process, went to pick him up to bring him home. But when they went to court, the judge denied his adoption. She said he would would be better off in an institution.

NO CHILD IS BETTER OFF IN AN INSTITUTION THAN IN A LOVING FAMILY!

Well, yesterday, the Davis family went before the Supreme Court in Moscow and the judge overturned that ruling and little Gregory Kirill is going home!!

They are on their way to pick him up and take him home for real.

Our God is a God of miracles. He sets the lonely in families. (Psalm 68:6)

The Story of the Judge Who Said No

Please feel free to share the following on your blogs. It is a summary of our adoption journey so far. Please help us spread the word. We are hoping somehow someone will be able to help us.

Two years ago Greg and I began praying for God to do whatever he wanted with our lives. We handed him a “blank check” so to speak, and told him to cash it. He opened our eyes to children with disabilities wasting away across the ocean in Eastern Europe. We joined God and started our adoption journey.

Our family is more than equipped to handle a child with special needs. I have a degree in Early Childhood Education. I am a member of the Board of Directors of Best Buddies of Alabama. I have volunteered for RISE and Eagles’ Wings. All of these organizations serve individuals with special needs. My husband I have close friends and family who have special needs and we are a big part of each other’s lives. Our wedding party included some of these special people. Our involvement with individuals with special needs led us to adopt a child with special needs; specifically, we chose Down Syndrome.

As we prayed over the faces of thousands of orphaned children with Down Syndrome, we ultimately chose a little boy named Sergey from Russia. Eight months later, as we neared the finish line of our adoption, one of Sergey’s family members in Russia stepped forward to adopt him. We were heartbroken for our loss, but God showed us that we were following him, and his ways are perfect. We knew we still wanted to adopt, so the way we saw it, two children would find homes because of our journey…Sergey went to his family and now we would choose another child to come into our family. We took great comfort in knowing that God could see this when we first committed to Sergey! We were honored to be a part of his plan.

Shortly after losing Sergey, we received a new referral with a grainy photo of a four-year-old blond-haired boy wearing pink glasses named Kirill. We were instantly in love with him. We had to re-file a lot of our paperwork because of the change in referrals and regions of Russia, but we were fast and we thought we were looking at three more months at the most until we would have Kirill home.

That was well over a year ago.

Since then so many things have happened. A tragic story of an adoptive mother sending her child back to his country alone on a plane with a note pinned to his shirt rocked our world…he was from Russia. Adoptions in Russia came to a screeching halt. Kirill’s region stopped processing adoptions for eight long months. The judge refused to accept any Amercian adoption cases until an official treaty was signed between the United States and Russia.

Even though we wouldn’t be able to finalize the adoption in court until the treaty was signed, we were allowed to go visit Kirill and sign our official petition to adopt him in August 2010. We fell more deeply in love with him. This was our son.

During that time, we found out that Kirill is the first child from his region EVER to be adopted with Down Syndrome. A birth mother keeping her child with Down Syndrome is unheard of in this area of the world. Adoptions of children with Down Syndrome just don’t happen there, these children are literally hidden away from society in orphanages and mental institutions. As our process continued, it became apparent that Kirill would be a pioneer. If our adoption was approved, it would pave the way for other children with special needs to be adopted from this region.

Then, a miracle happened around Christmas and the judge in this region suddenly changed her mind and began processing American adoptions again. We were elated. Could this be the light at the end of a very long tunnel? I was somewhat nervous about Kirill being the first child adopted with Down Syndrome from his region, but our agency was very confident that if we got a court date, our adoption would be approved. In seventeen years, they had never had a case rejected IF the family was issued a court date. We were told not to worry, so I didn’t. After meeting the judge’s requests for several supporting court documents, we were finally granted a court date-March 17, 2011. St. Patrick’s Day…I was thrilled. This would be our new favorite holiday! Our son was coming home!

Our other son, Clayton, who had just turned three when we started this adoption process, has prayed fervently for his brother. He is now almost five. When we told him Kirill was coming home, oh my…we had an excited big brother on our hands! At one point he even went to his room, dumped out his toy cars and divided them into two stacks…one for him and one for Kirill.

Last week, as we sat in the courtroom and suffered through five agonizing hours of difficult questioning, we were not prepared for anything but an approval of our case. Two doctors, two social workers, and the Minister of Children’s Services all made very strong statements on our behalf. They fought for us. Hard.

But when the ruling was read, the judge said, “Your application to adopt is rejected.” The basis given was that Kirill was “not socially adaptable” due to his “medical condition” and he was better off in an institution than in a home with a family. As the judge read her ruling, she stated several times that we were a good family, that we met all the criteria to adopt a child, but that she would not approve our adoption because Kirill has Down Syndrome. She told us that we could adopt another child, because legally our application had no problems according to Russian adoption law. She said she would approve our adoption for a “typical” child, but not this child. Why? The only reason? Because he has Down Syndrome. Even though we were approved by our home study and by the USCIS to adopt a child with special needs. It makes no sense whatsoever. Denying a child a family because he has Down Syndrome is a violation of human rights at its most basic level!

It was like a terrible dream. We were so unprepared for this outcome. As we left the courthouse in a mental fog, the doctors and social workers that had testified came to us and said, “If you appeal, we will fight for you. Appeal. Fight this decision.” Of course we were going to appeal…I could no more walk away from our biological son, Clayton, at this point. Kirill is just as much my son.

So here we are, asking God to move the mountain that is standing between Kirill and us as we appeal to the Supreme Court in Moscow. There are also three other families who are in various stages of adopting children with Down Syndrome from Kirill’s region; one of the families has a court hearing set for next week.

We are hoping that someone will hear our outcry and help us bring our son and these other waiting children home. His adoption will set the precedent for many other children in his region. There are 98 children in his orphanage with special needs alone. It is one of many orphanages in this region that houses children with special needs. This is about more than just one child, the lives of hundreds of children with special need are at stake. Please help us.

(This story taken from "Our Eyes Opened")

Purses for Adoption

Have you been introduced to Thirty-One yet? Maya and I have been fawning over the catalog for days! Oh my gravy! Adorable. Every bit of it.

And guess what? I'm going to offer you a way to support my sister's adoption of Wilson and get yourself a cute bag in the process! Here's the big deal:

100% of the profits go straight to Wilson's adoption fund!

Yeehaw!!

Go find yourself a sweet deal here.

Oh! oh! Speaking of sweet deals, you can get any purse 1/2 price with a $31 purchase!

(There's no limit to this deal. Spend $62, get 2 purses half price; spend $93, get 3 purses half price, etc.)

Go nuts! You're raising the ransom to bring my nephew home!

Blessings Don't Always Come Easily

It's been very interesting walking this adoption road with my sister. I'm hearing all the comments people were probably thinking when we adopted, but thankfully kept to themselves (most of time). When I recently told someone that Jamie is adopting, I heard:

Boy, they need to be careful! Oprah did a whole show about kids who are treated like throwaways in _____. Those kids don't know how to live in a family!

Ok, first of all, if you profess to be a Christian, why in the world are you watching Oprah? She denies the truths of Scripture plainly. Moving on. ALL children deserve to know the love of a family. Not just the cute kids who will readily accept your love and tell you how wonderful you are to rescue them. Please think of the alternative for these children.

Daniel threw a thrashing fit the first time I met and held him. He was not happy at all to meet me, the one who prayed for him, cried for him, and worked hard to raise a large ransom to save him from his hopeless future. But we didn't adopt him so we could have warm fuzzy feelings inside. We didn't adopt him because we were discontent and wanted to double our family size overnight. (Who would sign up for that madness? That first year was HARD!) We were very content with our three blond-haired, blue-eyed girls. We adopted this ungrateful little sinner for his sake.

And we have been blessed a hundred fold for our decision to obey God's call. These children, with all their issues and challenges, are such a huge blessing to our family.

Adoption is a blessing and a ministry.

Announcement

My sister is adopting and I am so excited for her to start this walk of faith. She and her hubby are adopting "Wilson", who just turned 2 years and has Down Syndrome. As her blog title states, they are following God's lead and "caring for orphans in their distress".

I am learning a lot through this process with her. I'm having to come to the hard realization that most people just don't understand the heart of adoption at all.

I've heard more than once: Why isn't she content with her four children? Why does she want to adopt?

My initial reaction was: What does contentment have to do with adoption? But I've realized that the world's thinking about adoption comes only from a self-centered perspective. This thinking says that life is all about our convenience and our happiness. For the Christian, life is all about our sanctification. It's all about our becoming more like Christ. Because we adore our Savior, we desperately want to become more like Him. We don't become more like Jesus by making our life as easy as possible. Clearly Jesus didn't do that. We become more like Christ by doing the scariest thing of all: obeying Him.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the lonely into families. ~Psalm 68:5-6

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ~2 Corinthians 12:9

A New iPad (& More) Giveaway!

Remember this sweetie?
Well, I finally have good news! She is being adopted!

And this precious girlie is also being adopted!

But this adorable boy? He isn't being adopted. (Yet!) In fact, not a single inquiry has ever been made for him. This breaks my heart. I hope it breaks yours too. When our hearts are broken, we are motivated to act.

And act we must.

Patti, who hosted the big giveaway for Olga, which resulted in over $12,000 being donated to her adoption grant, is hosting another GIGANTIC giveaway. And I mean GIGANTIC! Look at all you can win by donating to these sweet children.

Just So You Know

I have writer's block. I sit down wanting to blog, and nothing. I have two books that I've read and need to review (and I even liked them both), but I'm not in the mood.

I've been completely consumed with reading adoption blogs lately. Several friends of mine are in the process of adopting and I've stumbled upon several amazing adoption blogs. Reading about children being redeemed from a life without hope absolutely makes my day. I love reading the stories of these children who are neglected and treated as worthless, being chosen and redeemed and loved.

It also reminds me of the first year with our adoptees. How many dumb mistakes I made. How ignorant I was. Oh how I wish I could rewind and just snuggle with them and read to them and call that school. Why was I in such a hurry to catch these kids up academically? They needed to know love. They needed to know family. They needed to know Jesus. Not history. Not science. Not math. All that could wait! They needed love.

I have learned so much since our adoption. The ransom we raised to redeem our precious Maya, Isaac, and Daniel, wasn't to free them from a life without schooling. We were freeing them from a life without hope!

If you have adopted, are in the process of adopting, or want to adopt in the future, please stay focused on the goal. The goal is to give these children hope, love, and a family.

Everything else is gravy.

Truly,

Urgent Prayer Request

Please pray for sweet Olga. Since Patti blogged about Olga's imminent transfer to an institution and her desperate need to be adopted, $12,709 has been raised for her adoption grant!

As a result, several families have come forward. Unfortunately, all of them have had to back out for one reason or another (finances, family size, etc.). Most recently, Olga was on the "My Family Found Me" page of Reece's Rainbow and we were on pins and needles waiting to hear details. But this morning, Olga's precious picture was no longer there.

I am heartbroken.

Please pray for Olga. Pray that God will provide a forever family for her.

I'm praying that one of you will be that family.

God is a father to the fatherless. He places the lonely into families.

~Psalm 68:5-6

Adoption & Extended Family

Got this email:

We're in the process of adopting from Ethiopia and aren't looking forward to sharing this news with our families, as we aren't sure how they'll respond. How did you handle telling your extended families?

We received every possible reaction, so I know exactly how you feel.
My mom and stepdad were very excited. They had a very enthusiastic response and the day after we told them, my mom called me to tell me all about the history of Liberia. She had clearly been doing quite a bit of research. We were so blessed by her response. Her enthusiasm carried us through all the ups and downs of the adoption wait.
My sister and her family responded in the exact same way. (Minus some of the research. ;) ) She asked lots of questions during the process, which of course we loved since we loved talking about it.
My dad and stepmom said something like: "Huh." And that's about it. That was quite a let down. We weren't expecting that. (Or maybe we were, but that didn't make it any easier.)
Kyle's parents gave a full inquisition. They were not at all thrilled about our decision and made it very clear. Not only were we adopting, but we were adopting from Africa. It couldn't get worse in their opinion. His siblings took the "we're not going to talk about this and maybe it will go away" approach. They never asked anything about the children or the process.
Obviously, we were hurt by the negative and/or non-reactions, but we had so much support from friends that it all balanced out. A couple of our friends had adopted and we also connected with other families who were adopting from Liberia, via a Yahoo group, and we all shared our experiences together. Talking to other families who were adopting from the same country (and many times, the same orphanage) was very therapeutic.
I was expecting to have a lot of negative reactions to our family post-adoption, but that hasn't been the case at all. What we figured out was: it's easy to reject children who are an ocean away. But once they are in your family, attitudes change. Our parents all love them just like they do our biological kids, or at least they act like it, which is good enough for me. And we almost never hear negative comments from strangers, because everyone assumes we run a daycare. lol

If your family has a negative reaction to your adoption plans, find friends (or other family members) who support it and spend more time with them. :D Give others grace and time to change their heart.