I recently received a private message on a Mommies forum that I'm a part of. The message went something like this: We really appreciate your input and your unique perspective, blah, blah, blah, but we'd like you to be nicer.You're in shock that anyone would think me less than nice? How sweet of you. See, I'm blunt. I'm a bottom line kind of girl. When someone asks my advice, I give it to them. On this particular forum, when moms ask "What should I do?", what they mostly get is {{HUGS}} and sympathy. "Oh you poor thing. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time."
My response tends to be more like this: Do this and this and it will be so much easier. It doesn't have to be that hard. Let me know how it goes.
To be perfectly honest, it perturbs me just a bit when people seek advice when what they really want is sympathy. Not that I never want sympathy myself, you understand. But when I want sympathy, you'll know. I won't be asking for advice.
I'm Curious: Which is easier for you to give, solutions or sympathy?
23 comments:
Ginger,
If this is about the board we are both members of, the easiest answer I can give you is that this has to do with Moderators rules. Apparently there were lots of hurt feelings resulting from "advice" and so it was effectively stopped. It's like venting about our dh, it's not allowed generally speaking. Things used to be different but they have become more PC in the last 2 years.
I'm totally a sympathetic person. But I know you and that's why I ask your advice, because I know you'll tell me like it is. Some people just can't handle the truth. I love you and I'll still ask you for your advice, you know I need it.
Janelle, yes *that* board. ;)
Our pastor always says: You can't give offense, you can only take it. In other words, it's my own fault if I choose to be offended by someone else. I can't blame anyone for offending me. It was my choice to pick up the offense.
I was bummed that those who really wanted answers were only getting sympathy. I remember when Elena and Chloe were babies- I needed answers. No amount of sympathy made my days easier. It wasn't until someone told me how to manage two babes that things starting improving. That's what I want for others. Practical solutions. :)
Regarding the message board... why would you (not really YOU) join a message board if all you want is sympathy? Get that from your IRL friends. I would think the reason for joining a message board would be to associate with like-minded people and be able to learn from them... or in your case, teach them what you know. ;)
I am not that good at giving sympathy. I am a problem-solver. If you tell me about a problem, I am more likely to tell you how to fix it than give you a hug.
I am practical like you, sympathy is nice but pretty useless in the grand scheme of things.
G'day Ginger! I can't remember how I cam across your blog, but I have loved the way you write and this post just grabbed my attention so I had to jump in! Hope you odn't mind.
I am definitely not the sympathetic type. I am definitely a problem solver, although I can be empathetic at the same time, especially in the area of women struggling with motherhood etc.
I am very inclined to direct people to the Bible and to the Lord, no matter what the situation, which at times has meant that certain women don't come back for more advice! I don't mean glibly rolling off scripture as a 'fix-it' or just a prescription of 'take two tylenol, a Psalm and a Proverb and call the pastor if your pain persists...' But I believe that a lot of problems are practical, with tough solutions that people don't want to hear because it either requires hard work, or requires you to swim against what the world says.
Anyways, hope this makes sense. Don't stop being blunt, although always season truth with equal amounts of grace. If people just want a shoulder to cry on and tell them how sorry you feel for their situation, but are not willing to try your advice, then clearly they never really wanted help in the first place!
Sorry if this is too blunt!
Blessings to you from Meg in Sydney
SOLUTIONS! When advice is asked for - if someone wants sympathy they should ask for sympathy.
Ginger,
I love reading your blog. It seems we have a lot in common and you have lots of great advice! :-)
I am also a problem solver. I'll give the kids a short time to be emotional about their problem, then it is time to figure out what to do next. I don't let them wallow in sympathy that won't improve or change their situation.
I am empathetic but not sympathetic as much. Is that nit-picking?
I think one good way to look at this is to see what the individual who is posting is asking for. For instance, if they ask for help, or say "What should I do??", offer advice by all mean. If they simply ask for prayer or something similar, than just reassure them that you will bring their situation to the Lord when they are brought to your mind.
Jenni,
That's the method I utilized and it didn't work out for me. Even when they asked for advice, they didn't really want it.
So, what's your answer to the I'm Curious question? :)
Im an advice giver too,God has called me out on this at times,when all I needed to be was a good listener.Sometimes its not my problem to solve or advice on,sometimes someone just needs to vent or be heard.Allthough this poster asked for advice,so in that regard you were correct in your judgment.I enjoy your blog and your advice.
Sometimes it's how the advice is delivered that hurts people--not the actual advice.
If I ask for advice, I like to get it. I very rarely want just "sympathy"--most of the time,sympathy gets us no where in life. Sometimes comfort is needed, or else God wouldn't be a Comforter giver or tell us to comfort with the comfort we have received. You know every time I write on your curious questions, I am remembering your dear friend who said I was "political"...I do like comforting advice--what can I say? I think different personalities give and receive advice differently. That's what makes each of us so unique!
You bring up a very important point, Karen: delivery. I've been witness to people receiving blunt, unsolicited advice like, "You know your son has autism, right? Are you worried about that?" Uggghhh. Makes me want to crawl under a rug for them.
I would say that "most* of my friends, when I ask their advice they beat around the bush and beat around the bush and really try to avoid telling me what they think. They don't want to hurt my feelings. So I end up saying: I'm asking for your advice. Please tell me what you think I should do.
Some people are such non-confronters, they still won't do it. lol
IRL, I try to be discerning about whether the person asking is actually teachable or not. On the internet, if they are asking, I just have to assume they are really interested. That doesn't always work. ;)
Like you need to ask.
Ginger...your friend, Meg, has the right answer; Don't stop being blunt, although always season truth with equal amounts of grace.
Your mother and I have always been a little too direct on many occasions. I have always just tried to be honest, and sometimes it comes out gruff and offensive. I work on the "grace" part every single day, sometimes successfully and sometimes not. Tough duty.
I have found that the word, "Normal" is just a setting on a washing machine.
Keep up the good work. I for one think you're doing a really great job and I truly enjoy ready your Clark Chatter. I know you much better today because of it and very much appreciate your genuine honesty.
Ride in the sunshine!
I love you!
Jeanne
I tend to be a bit blunt but I also tend to be sympathetic at the same time.
I've been in a rough place before when all I got was advice and it seemed everyone forgot what it was like before they knew something about the subject.
FYI- Knowing you online I do know that you are able to take what you give. You don't mind someone telling you like it is. :)
Lastly, I'd say that during those years of rough times it was a certain IRL friend I had that made all the difference. She was able to tell me like it was and give me a hug and cry with me. That's who made the most impact on my life. If we could only learn to do that with words online. :)
If I am asked for advice that is what I give. I tend to be blunt so I do not talk if I am not asked. I think that sometimes those who ask for advice only want to hear how they "are doing all they can" and it is just "out of their control" so they will feel absolved of responsibility.
The only person I go to for advice is a friend of mine who is not afraid to step on my toes when giving it! Give me blunt anyday. BTW, I love your answers on the board we share.
HA! Thats why I like the board I know you from. I am not the compassionate sort. I want to fix the problem. Not enable it. LOL
I used to go along getting my feelings hurt all the time. Now I have learned to just laugh it off. Who needs all the drama?
Ginger,
I've learned by observing that particular forum you're referring to...who really wants advice and who wants sympathy. There are MANY times I think I have a great suggestion / advice for certain members, but I don't say anything. I think I'm being wise; saving my helpful tid-bits for those I percieve will actually appreciate and implement them. :) There is SO much more I could say about this... *lol* To answer your question, though, I appreciate practicality... although I do "mourne with those who mourne."
Since you most likely inherited your directness from me and I from my mom, I'll say this: When you say people choose to be offended, that's a cop-out way for you to say whatever you please to whomever you please with no regard whatsoever for their feelings. I've offended plenty of people over the years, and 99% of the time, it was unintentional. My college psych prof said that if my message is not received in the way it is intended, it's my fault as the transmitter, not the receiver's fault. Jesus wants our words to flow with love. If we slice someone up with our tongues and leave them emotionally bleeding, is our little light shining thru? I've spent the last 40 years trying to communicate in a less hurtful way.
Communication is a two way road. It is the responsibility of both parties to act with integrity. When I am speaking to someone, I have to season my words with grace so that I am not intentionally offensive. However, when someone says something that I interpret at rude, it is my choice to be offended. I can never say: You offended me. It would be more correct to say: I chose to be offended.
Ginger - Let me first say that I stumbled upon your blog while looking at your facebook today (thank you for adding me as a friend) and I have spent a couple of hours being inspired by "Clark Chatter." You are an amazing woman and servant! Now on the subject, I completely agree, I get quite irritated with people (typically women) who are pity party seekers in disguise. I am a bottom line, no sugar coating kind of girl as well, mercy and sympathy are unfortunately not my spiritual gifts. I know I need to be more sympathetic at times and I acknowledge the weakness and am trying to make improvements. I can only hope I receive constructive criticism with grace and with an open mind - I genuinely want to hear advice when I ask for it.... not pity! I recently advised a lady in troubled times to be very cautious about who she told her story to because she was at a vulnerable point and needed to be seeking out biblically based truth, not worldly flesh-led "advice", pity or just bandwaggoning (interesting word I pulled out of the air there)! Thank you for your blog! - Heather
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